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koncupiscenceroomie decided to play hooky yesterday, so the two of us went to coney island. what fun! it's such a shit hole! :D no, it is what it is. we didn't go for the rides and tried to avoid the screaming kids as much as possible. we did the cyclone a year ago, and i'm good. i'll get my roller coaster fix when i go home to california. and while magic mountain is the place to go for sheer velocity and brain scrambling fun, i've been itching to go to disneyland, or as i like to say *five year old voice* dinneyland! maybe it's because i've been watching pirates so much lately. and every time they're in the cave and i see the jewels and gold and the pretty i remember my own fascination with the treasure... for that was always my favorite part of the ride. oooooh, shoiny. and then there's the make out ride, i mean, the haunted mansion, which will inevitably break down every few minutes, giving it's riders more time to suck face. and sadly, i've heard they shut down thunder mountain permanently. i know there's been several accidents on that ride in the past few years, one of them fatal, i believe. :/
ugh, i always do this! get all sidetracked... what i was going to write about was the conversation i had with my roommate while walking on the beach. but first, squee! beach! i put my feet in the ocean, the atlantic ocean! and i dug my toesies into the sand and smelled the ocean air, and closed my eyes and listened to the waves. *sigh* lying on the sand, warmed by the sun overhead and cooled by the slight ocean breeze, the lulling sound of waves crashing and the occasional seagull cry in the background is absolute heaven to me. one day, i must live at the beach (said the pasty white girl who wears spf 45). you know those noise makers that help people sleep? i always look for the ocean waves setting... ahhhhh. peace. the babbling brook ones just make me have to pee.
wait! point... the conversation. well, it wasn't so much a conversation, more me talking and her listening, but it was good. i think i finally figured out some things that have been weighing heavily on my mind, and sometimes you just need to say it out loud to someone for the pieces to fall together properly. i realized i need to figure out what i want to do. sounds simple enough, but alas, i've never really found that definitive answer before. and not having the answer right off has led me to avoid thinking about it - because without answers you just go in circles until you drive yourself mad (relatedly, i took philosophy for about a week before promptly dropping the class. is the tree really a tree, what is a tree, just a word, and name, a symbol that we assigned to something. if a tree is in a forest but no one is there to see it, does it still exist, how do we know? OMG SHUT UP I DON'T KNOW AND WHO CARES OMG WTF!).
focus. so. i've always had ideas about what i might like to do, but i've yet to find that one thing that i'm passionate about and good at. i've always liked a lot of things a little bit. so i've never really had that one goal, something to work toward, to pursue, to focus on. i've always just sort of fallen into jobs, which hasn't necessarily been bad. i've really enjoyed the work that i've done and i've learned loads, though not exactly resume building skills that show progress and a clear five year plan. for four years i worked in video post production doing subtitling. and for the past two years i've been doing billing and payroll for a social services agency. sure, yeah, i see the connection. o_O i have no doubts about my talents as an employee, i'm fucking awesome (toot toot). at both jobs i started out as an admin, was promoted to a specific department shortly thereafter, and eventually became the department head. so now, after unfortunate layoff, it's back to the drawing board.
but i don't want to keep floating, waiting to see what i bump into next. i'd like to finally take some control over my future and i think i've finally figured out how to do that. well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here, i think i've figured out how to get started on doing that. no more grand illusions. no more dreamy thoughts of the future. the future is now, this is my future. there is no more "when i grow up", i am fucking grown up, i'm thirty-two years old, i need to start acting like it. so i know what i will do. i will temp, i will admin, i will work in an office and worry about my tps reports. but! i will focus on where i really want to go, what i really want to do, and work toward that simultaneously. it's not too late. i'm feeling good. positive. optimistic. about my future. and that's a rare thing. but this is good and i'm going to try my darnedest to hang onto to this feeling. and not just feel it, but take action, damn it, action! here i go. *roar*
ugh, i always do this! get all sidetracked... what i was going to write about was the conversation i had with my roommate while walking on the beach. but first, squee! beach! i put my feet in the ocean, the atlantic ocean! and i dug my toesies into the sand and smelled the ocean air, and closed my eyes and listened to the waves. *sigh* lying on the sand, warmed by the sun overhead and cooled by the slight ocean breeze, the lulling sound of waves crashing and the occasional seagull cry in the background is absolute heaven to me. one day, i must live at the beach (said the pasty white girl who wears spf 45). you know those noise makers that help people sleep? i always look for the ocean waves setting... ahhhhh. peace. the babbling brook ones just make me have to pee.
wait! point... the conversation. well, it wasn't so much a conversation, more me talking and her listening, but it was good. i think i finally figured out some things that have been weighing heavily on my mind, and sometimes you just need to say it out loud to someone for the pieces to fall together properly. i realized i need to figure out what i want to do. sounds simple enough, but alas, i've never really found that definitive answer before. and not having the answer right off has led me to avoid thinking about it - because without answers you just go in circles until you drive yourself mad (relatedly, i took philosophy for about a week before promptly dropping the class. is the tree really a tree, what is a tree, just a word, and name, a symbol that we assigned to something. if a tree is in a forest but no one is there to see it, does it still exist, how do we know? OMG SHUT UP I DON'T KNOW AND WHO CARES OMG WTF!).
focus. so. i've always had ideas about what i might like to do, but i've yet to find that one thing that i'm passionate about and good at. i've always liked a lot of things a little bit. so i've never really had that one goal, something to work toward, to pursue, to focus on. i've always just sort of fallen into jobs, which hasn't necessarily been bad. i've really enjoyed the work that i've done and i've learned loads, though not exactly resume building skills that show progress and a clear five year plan. for four years i worked in video post production doing subtitling. and for the past two years i've been doing billing and payroll for a social services agency. sure, yeah, i see the connection. o_O i have no doubts about my talents as an employee, i'm fucking awesome (toot toot). at both jobs i started out as an admin, was promoted to a specific department shortly thereafter, and eventually became the department head. so now, after unfortunate layoff, it's back to the drawing board.
but i don't want to keep floating, waiting to see what i bump into next. i'd like to finally take some control over my future and i think i've finally figured out how to do that. well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here, i think i've figured out how to get started on doing that. no more grand illusions. no more dreamy thoughts of the future. the future is now, this is my future. there is no more "when i grow up", i am fucking grown up, i'm thirty-two years old, i need to start acting like it. so i know what i will do. i will temp, i will admin, i will work in an office and worry about my tps reports. but! i will focus on where i really want to go, what i really want to do, and work toward that simultaneously. it's not too late. i'm feeling good. positive. optimistic. about my future. and that's a rare thing. but this is good and i'm going to try my darnedest to hang onto to this feeling. and not just feel it, but take action, damn it, action! here i go. *roar*
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-18 12:04 pm (UTC)When I grow upIn my next lifetime, I want to be just like you!Seriously, I love how you sound here. Strong and determined. Maybe a little of that will rub off on me. *rubs against you hopefully*
...Er. What was that about focus and attention spans? ;p
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-18 12:26 pm (UTC)buckets ofsome researchand get a fucking job omgand create a plan of attack.i tend to get stuck, not knowing in which direction to go, so instead i go nowhere and do nothing. i sit and wait to get a clue. but i just realized that i have to go find the clues, they won't just show up on my doorstep for me. *aw shucks snap*
*rubs you back* wait... i think it's working! *rubs some more!*
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-18 12:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-18 12:38 pm (UTC)